The Most Terrible Reasons You Should Never Adopt a Shiba Inu!

Satirical Writing by Ruby Moley, Staff Writer

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The Most Terrible Reasons You Should Never Adopt a Shiba Inu!

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Ruby Moley, Staff Writer

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I am unluckily in the possession of a one and a half year old Shiba Inu. Dakoda is terrorizer’s name, and she goes by the aliases of “Poopy”, “Cutie Baby”, and “Fuzzy Bum”. But do not let that throw you off course. The reasons concretely support the avoidance of this wild breed.

Shibas are Practically Cats

Who in the world actually likes a cat. Are cat people even cat people? This lil pup likes to lay down and stare at you oddly from the couch. You simply will be cleaning the coffee table off and she gives you a smug look. 

There isn’t a SECOND where you sit by her and she doesn’t bother to lick you! Gross! Are you just going to keep politely cleaning me with your paw? Are you really showing your admiration for me right now through the only gesture you can? Foul. Now I smell like sweet Shiba slobber. Those sharp cat-like fangs? She has them too. They playfully nap at your ankles to get you to chase her around, but don’t be fooled, she has intentions. 

And don’t even get me started on lasers! This dog will climb walls for the stupid, little red dot. Watch out–if that small, red danger dot is on you, its over. She pounces with a smile on her face all around for hours for that small dot! How can you stand that. Although, she won’t step on the person with the laser if they point it at themselves; no way it’s because she is nice…

 

Shibas are Proper, and Sassy about it!

This dog absolutely knows her worth. When she walks, those hip sway side to side. Her “fuzzy butt”, and where her name originates, and the muscular legs define her sassy stride. This dog is cooler than you and you know it! How could you let a small, gorgeous dog beat your looks!

She grooms her hair all day, and looks disgustingly perfect as she just lies there, basking in the sun. Ugh. I go to a salon and spend so much money and somehow she looks better than me, even after an hour long walk. Is this allowed?

 

No Door will Stop them

If I had a penny for every time I was woken up at three o’clock in the morning by a small, fox-like figure banging open my door, I’d be rich. It must be in those muscular legs that she musters strength to open any door at any point in time. She breaks locks with her hulk strength. She sits maybe a foot tall, but don’t let that fool you to believe she isn’t capable of door ramming.

Peaceful sleep is hard to come by if there is only a door between the Shiba and your bed, which leads me to the next point.

 

You have a bed? Their’s now.

This proper dog must have a luxury bed fit to a human and nothing else. Any time of day that she pleases, she will decide to take yours. Even at night before you get in, that pillow of yours that is perfectly fluffed and soft and ready for your head, suddenly gone. PLOP! The shiba has taken your place! Can you move them? Nope. Simply accept your small sliver of the bed as your own.

If you try to slightly push your Shiba Inu over to gain space, he/she will grumble at you. How do you apologize to someone who speaks only dog that you just need space. Do not bother working for more space; bow down to your Shiba. 

 

Clean Window? Nose print. And that howl!

As all dogs do, Shibas nose tend to be wet when healthy, and with our spoiled pooch, you can bet her nose is as such. With her focus directed obviously to the outside world, those windows have horizontal, distinct nose-boop lines. The amount of TIMES we must clean the doors! Just because her little snoot is squishing against the pane!!! Be stocked up on Windex if you are dropping the money for a Shiba. And in the car, every time you set her in the passenger seat, she hops right into your lap. You could be on a busy highway that requires a high level of concentration, and the little foxy will spring right into your arms. Hello dog, I’m trying to drive here!

 The attention causing the nosey messes everyday is mostly focused on watching for a) a baby stroller, b) a squirrel, or c) the most terrible and destructive creature to ever roam the earth, a rabbit. To each of these characters comes a distinct howl or grumble from the pup. Babies cause such distress you would believe there is an intruder walking up the yard. Squirrels follow in with a more gradual intensity, causing Dakoda to howl and tap the glass, maybe make a couple spin arounds. But rabbits–there is no turning back from this. Shibas will bark like there is no creature around with ears, and bang on the door. She runs from front door to back with 100 meter sprint intensity! Calm down woman!

 

Black Clothes? Suddenly with new curly pattern.

I bet all dog owners can attest to clothes being the o-holy attractors of fur, but Shibas are known to heavily shed twice a year. When this time comes around, our floof ball of a dog is a fur bomb. You must prepare if you want to hold her for mass fur explosion. There is not enough lint rollers in this world. Now everyone knows you have a Shiba! Great!

 

An innocent fly? Captured.

Now come on. If a fly just happens to find its way inside and is having a jolly good time, this dog does not hesitate! That poor, buzzing, foul pest is in the jaws of the ferocious beast. The fly could rest anywhere–window sill, ceiling, the neighbors kitchen stove– she will capture it. What if I wanted to keep the fly as a pet…. Any bugs outside often find their way into the home in the jaws of the Shiba. Just last week, Dakoda was tossing (and slapping) a green grasshopper around the carpet. 

There was a time when I looked outside, and there was a….dare I say, WORM in her mouth! The prestigious dog! Stooping to that level of scum!

 

Of course, by now, if you couldn’t sense it, I’m joking. I love my Shiba. She makes everyday perfect, and these are all the reasons I love her. I have never laughed so hard with a dog like I have with her. You should definitely get one. No matter how many times they may ignore you for a squirrel or baby stroller passing the street, Shiba Inus deeply care about their owners. She is always there for me when I’m upset, following me right behind, and letting me bother her and cuddle with her when she is laying down. When she is happy, we spend countless minutes running around the living room and tossing up random toys to catch.

All in all, Shibas are the perfect breed if you are looking for a sassy dog that cares about you deeply. She will make your day with her funny howls and really adorable sleeping faces and positions. Get! A! Shiba!